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In Trutina

After I gave birth to Berrett, he went to the NICU and I was left to deal with all the afterbirth and mess with no baby. I’ll never forget having my son placed on my belly and the terror I felt lifting a lifeless arm only to realize he was not breathing. They placed him under a heat lamp in my room and worked on getting him to breathe for a while. Thankfully I heard a few reassuring cries, but not enough to satisfy the nurse. They put him in my arms for a split second per Raimo’s request (thank you thank you, my good husband), then took him away. It was hard and sad, but I felt pretty positive that he was going to be okay. A kind nurse helped me through the next few hours as I had to get my legs moving again, and eventually I was transferred to a post-partum room. Unfortunately the hospital was full and I had to share a room with another mom– not my preference after being up all night and going through the most pain I’ve ever felt. My body was so tired. Thankfully they let me stop by the NICU and see Berrett and really hold him for the first time. My new-baby tears finally came. He looked warm and rosy and was so tiny and sweet. Then Raimo headed for home to shower and take Rose to Kindergarten orientation and I went to my room to rest. I laid in my bed, partitioned off by curtains, and was so exhausted but couldn’t sleep for the bustling outside our door and the coming and going nurses for my neighbor in the next bed. I put in my headphones and turned on the album Voice of the Violin by Joshua Bell. 

In Trutina stood out the most to me. I listen to this song now and it makes me cry. It was the perfect soundtrack for that day when I needed peace, and it takes me right back to that dim room. I fell asleep to the music and took a much needed nap. I continued visiting Berrett in the NICU every couple of hours to feed him… and because I missed him. That night I fell asleep to the music again and it helped me relax and rest. 

Today I was so very tired and almost took a nap. Naps are hard for me and it takes a miracle for me to actually sleep. I listened to this song again and all the things I felt two months ago came flooding back to me. I feel so lucky that my baby is here with me now and healthy. 

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