I was thinking about how hardships make us draw toward Christ more than anything else. They also make us see ourselves in a new light. How has pain moved me to see God? To see myself? Last night I was laying in bed and thinking that God knew all along that Adam and Eve were naked in the garden. He just waited for their experience to allow them to see it too. God has seen all my nakedness all along. It has always been there. What could the nakedness be? I guess anything He sees about me that I still haven’t learned or experienced. I’m just starting to know myself the older I get. I’m starting to see myself in a more honest way, starting to know my heart. It can be hard to be honest with yourself about those kind of things. To not look at them the way you want them to be, but as they really are. So maybe one of our life goals is to have sight like God’s- to come to know ourselves. Really know. Once I take a real look at my pain, my likes and dislikes, my deepest thoughts and feelings, my core beliefs, then I can start to become who I’m capable of becoming.
A lot of my views of myself have changed since I’ve been married. The things I think I’m capable of, the things I want to accomplish, the way I feel about myself, the things I will give up to achieve the others, the things that essentially make me me. I guess that perspective evolves over time. Each time I’ve had a baby, I’ve had to say goodbye to life before the baby, and grow accustomed to and accept the new version of my life. And so it is with any big life changes I guess. There might even need to be a mourning period to let go of old expectations or lifestyles before being able to start anew. I am having to relinquish control in this new phase, and that is probably pretty important in my life story.
Yesterday I heard something that was hard to hear. Something that might have an impact in my future. It hurt. On the one hand, it made me grateful that I have 2 perfect, healthy babies. On the other, it forced me to see some limitations I may have in the future. It had already been a tiring week and I felt like crying about it. I didn’t. It was just another of those moments when I had to see myself and my future in a new way. I didn’t like it.
But I’m only just coming to see what all these pieces of me are, both the good and the bad. And to figure out what to do with them. And what way I’m supposed to go with it.